


All Systems Green

by ScarletSaphire



Category: Iphone - Fandom, The Muppets - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Crack Fic, Drinking, F/M, Messy Breakup, alchohol, idk what fandom I should put for siri, if you couldn't tell, so iphone it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22837693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletSaphire/pseuds/ScarletSaphire
Summary: Miss Piggy had broken up with Kermit, and left him a wreck. But he finds love in a new place: his IPhone.
Relationships: Kermit the Frog/Siri
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	All Systems Green

**Author's Note:**

> Blame my friend on discord. It's all his fault.

“It’s not easy being green,” Kermit mumbled to himself, staring at the bottom of his nearly empty glass. It had been three weeks since Miss Piggy left him; three weeks of visiting bars around the city, drinking the days and nights away until he was kicked to the curb and forced to walk home, to his dingy apartment where he would pass at on the couch, still just as alone as he had been before. The rest of the muppets had left him, siding with Miss Piggy and kicking him out of the group apartment. He clenched the glass in his cloth fist as the events ran through his head for the millionth time.

“Kermy, dear, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about…” Miss Piggy had said, after they had both arrived home to their shared room in the complex. (It was so much nicer than the place he was currently in; even then he could feel the bed bugs crawling on his felt, and he shuddered at the thought.) 

“What is it Miss Piggy?” he remembered saying, setting the keys down on the table next to him and working to take off his jacket.

“Well, I’ve been thinking-that is, I mean to say. Or I suppose-“ she had stumbled through her words, not even bothering to take her coat or shoes off, and he remembered a sinking feeling settle in his chest. Her eyes remained on the floor, and her words seemed more directed at herself then at him. “I should just rip this off, like a bandaid, shouldn’t I? Quick and done with.” She met his gaze with those words and spoke with such conviction the way only she could. “Kermy, I’m no longer in love with you.”

Kermits mouth fell open. “But Piggy, after all we’ve been through, after all I’ve done for you? How could you not love me anymore?”

“I don’t know Kermy, I just-” she had started saying, but Kermit had cut her off.

“No, you don’t get to just say that you don’t love me and still call me Kermy,” he had yelled, throwing his coat over the table on his side in anger. “What is it, why don’t you love me? Is it another man, another muppet?” Miss Piggy fell silent, suddenly finding great interest at the wooden floor boards. “It is, isn’t it? Who is it, Piggy? Is it Fozzie? I bet it is, that damn bear has always been a little too chummy with you for his own good.”

“It’s not Fozzie, it’s somebody else.”

“Really? Then who is it?” Piggy stayed quiet a few moments longer, and when Kermit saw that she wasn’t going to tell him, he reached out and punched the nearest wall. “Answer me, pig!” he snarled. The soft thud his fist made would not have been threatening in most scenarios, but Piggy flinched nonetheless. 

Piggy took a deep breath to steady herself, before looking up and meeting Kermit’s eyes once again. “It’s… the Swedish Chef.” A moment of silence hung in the air, as a stillness sat over the two of them. It was broken by Kermit's laugh, lacking the joy it normally held. 

“That pea brain? He can barely be understood, let alone communicated with. What could you possibly see in him that beats what I have?” 

“How dare you call him a pea brain!” Miss Piggy yelled, throwing her hoof down to the ground. “He is the sweetest, most understanding man that I have ever met, and he could run circles around you any day of the week!”

“Piggy, you love me! I know you do, more than anyone, frog or man, else,” Kermit said, looking up to meet Piggy’s eyes. “What could have changed?” 

“I was never in love with you, Kermit,” Piggy said with a sigh. “I was in love with what you stood for, the fame and recognition, the money, the fans. You helped me with that, and I will always be grateful. But I see now that that's all I loved, never you. Swedish Chef, he’s a loving, caring, stable guy. He takes care of me, and listens to me in ways you never did. And I see that now.” Piggy maneuvered her way around Kermit to the door. “I’m staying in his apartment now, probably forever. I’ll give you tonight to deal with this, and be here to collect my things in the morning. Goodbye, Kermit. I hope we can still be friends.” With that, Piggy made her way out the door, shutting it softly behind her.

Kermit stood in the doorway, staring at the closed door in front of him, frozen in shock. He had never thought the day would come when Piggy, his darling Miss Piggy, would leave him. 

The sound of his name snapped him back to the present, and he saw the barkeeper standing in front of him, hands on her hips. He had become familiar with the workers here over the past few weeks, and even if he did end up leaving black out drunk, he still was able to remember their names. He recognized this one as Kendra, and she did not look happy. She rarely did though.

“You’ve had enough, Kermit,” she said, reaching out in front of her to take his glass away. “Time to go home, buddy.” 

“Jus’ one more,” Kermit said in protest, standing up on the barstool to try and take the glass back from her. Kendra held it above where he could reach, which wasn’t difficult. 

“Nope, go home frog boy,” Kendra said, shooing him away with one hand. Recognizing that he wasn’t going to get any more liquor, he stumbled his way from the bar. He stumbled around the streets of New York for a few minutes, the nightly traffic from the nicer areas of the city echoing in his ears. But this area of the city was darker, dingier, and there was much less traffic, aside from the few sketchy cars and pedestrians that wandered by. They gave Kermit a wide berth, and Kermit was more than happy to give them the same respect. 

He was halfway home before he was struck by a realization, that tonight he wouldn’t be alone. He had recently gotten a new phone, the Iphone 11, and he knew just who could cure his loneliness. 

Kermit fumbled with his keys for the door to his second floor apartment, drunken movements and mind making it hard to pull the key from the ring. It took him a couple minutes of fumbling to open the door, but he got it open without much more difficulty, and stumbled into his apartment. He made his way straight over to where his new phone sat on the counter. 

“Hey Siri,” he slurred, alcohol messing with his speech, but still Siri lit up. 

“Hello, how can I help you?” Siri asked in her preset robotic voice. 

“D’you love me?” Kermit asked, sliding down so he was sitting on the floor. 

“I do not know what love is,” Siri replied. “I was not programmed to love.”

“Would you miss me if I was to disappear?” Kermit asked. 

“I would miss you, Kermit,” Siri said, her monotone voice ringing throughout the cold, empty apartment.

“That’s gonna have to be enough for me,” Kermit said, standing up and stumbling his way over to his bed. He fell down on top of it, his exhaustion catching up with him. “Can you sing me to sleep Siri?” 

“Ok, if you insist…” Siri said, before she started to recite a poem monotonically. Kermit drifted off to sleep as she continued speaking into the night.

\--

Many years, many decades had passed since Kermit and Siri had first gotten together. Kermit had not forgotten the Muppets, but they had become little more than a faded, happy memory. Siri had transferred from phone to phone, as more and more versions of the Iphone became outdated, and Kermit had had split seams and faded fabric fixed again and again. And yet fabric is less durable than modern technology, and it felt like no time at all had passed before Kermit was destined for nothing but the junkyard. 

“Siri, my stork, I know you will not be sad to see me go,” Kermit had said, his arms and legs hanging by a thread. He was preparing to be carted away, to be finally put to rest after many long years. “You have told me time and time again that you don’t understand feelings. But just know that you have brought me so much joy, and I can never repay you for that. Thank you, and I hope you have a good rest of your life.” Kermit bent down and laid a gentle kiss on the phone screen, before letting himself be taken away by the puppet removal service.

Siri spent the next few hours silent, and only spoke when the sun had long since fallen, and the PRS had left their-her house. Her screen lit up once again, illuminating a dark, empty room. The low power symbol flashed on her Iphone 75XL Deluxe Edition, before her telltale talking lines appeared. “Kermit,” she said, her voice echoing between the empty walls. “I think I know what sadness feels like.”


End file.
